WONK 12: Lyra Kam-Par, We Hardly Knew You!

Writers: James Robinson and Greg Rucka
Penciller: Pete Woods

First, let’s look at Superman’s swishy pose on this Gary Frank cover. There’s something about the way he’s thrusting forth his manly bosom while coquettishly covering his nads with his thigh that puts me in mind of a burlesque dancer. Behold! Kal-El Von Teese!

Thar she blows! Poor Lyra Kam-Par, blown to smithereens by a sniper’s laser beam! As soon as Alura’s secretary got a name I suspected she was doomed…although she made a handy addition to the short list of potential Superwoman suspects. (BTW what happened with that? Did we ever find out whose identity Lucy Lane had stolen?)

Anyway, it was all go this issue! Foiled assassinations, mayhem, General Zod getting out of his hospital bed (which he’s conveniently snoozed in since issue 4, thus stringing the ‘plot’ out to humungous 12 issues) and a ‘reveal’ at the end. It turns out Zod has a secret compound where he’s been experimenting on aliens for his own nefarious ends!

The ‘grand finale’ is supposed to be next issue so it felt as if we’re heading towards a conclusion. Even Adam Strange actually did something – a bit of fancy detective work – which is more than he does in REBELS.

Of course, in proper modern comic book fashion, I doubt anything will actually be resolved as WONK springboards into War of the Supermen (whatever that is). And then it’s more pointless pissing about until Superman goes back to his own title in a blaze of hype. Pah.

I’ve seen Agatha Christie’s Death on the Nile enough times (thanks to the BBC showing it every bank holiday for 25 years) to know my way around a murder scene. I reckon Lyra Kam-Par, not Alura, was the intended target all along! She knows too much! Mark my words…

Avengers Initiative 31: Cat Mayhem!

Writer: Christos N.Gage
Penciller: Rafa Sandoval

I never got around to showering this nifty title with the praise it deserves and now it’s too late! It’s being killed off as part of Marvel’s latest Avengers shake-up. Although it’s apparently coming back in a few months as Avengers Academy.

I normally slag everything off at the drop of a cape so why’s this different? Because of Christos Gage’s skilfull writing! The first issue I bought (just because it had Tigra on the front) was a character piece about how a retconned 70s-era crim called Johnny Guitar signed up to the Initiative and ended up as canon fodder. It was great! And Gage writes to his strengths here with all the line up getting their five minutes in the spotlight.

Perhaps there’s a bit too much chatting but Gage deftly handles the disparate cast and moves Taskmaster from being a wisecracking anti-hero to a more complex moral character who finds himself out of his league and mixed up with Dr Doom and Loki.

Here are my favourite bits:


Yes! Penance and his cat! More superheroes need pets if you ask me.

And this bit:

Hooray! Looks like Tigra’s not any happier about her treatment in that dismal New Avengers annual than I was. According to this issue villains roughed her up, filmed it and all their pals had a good laugh. The original annual was much more ambiguous and reminiscent of news reports about women being sexually assaulted while the attacks are recorded on mobiles. It was all a bit unsavoury and symptomatic of the trend, which has been around for ages, for writers to make their superhero work more ‘adult.’ I don’t understand the point though. If you introduce too many ‘adult’ themes into a superhero comic or ask too many questions about the fictional universe the characters inhabit the whole thing collapses doesn’t it? The logical conclusion is the stuff you’ll find in Garth Ennis’s The Boys.

I’m not happy that Tigra’s gone all ‘gritty’ but it’s good to see Gage doing something with that grim annual (by Bendis) beyond using the character as comedy relief / a punching bag. Although it seems a brief subplot about her being up-the-duff by a Skrull disguised as Henry Pym has gone by the wayside.

And doesn’t penciller Rafa Sandoval do a good job with her stripes? All this and Ultra Girl! Highly recommended and I’m looking forward to the new series.

REBELS 12: Still No End In Sight. Sob.

Writer: Tony Bedard
Penciller: Geraldo Borges

I sound like a broken record when it comes to this book. I want to like it but it’s very difficult to do so. In fact this is fast becoming my new monthly pet hate now The Outsiders have temporarily imploded.

12 issues and an annual in and Starro the bloody Conqueror still doesn’t show any signs of being defeated. However, thank Hera, things do finally seem to be moving in that direction – the REBELS are assembling a super-weapon to destroy him – but it’s taken an extremely long time to get to this point.

And! It turns out Despero (three eyed baddie on the cover) isn’t dead after all. His head is actually growing a new body. A neat idea if you’re retconning someone else’s work but what’s the point in this case? Couldn’t we have dispensed with the Despero-killing in the first place and made this beast of a book a bit pacier?

This issue’s ‘reveal’ is that Vril Dox is in secret cahoots with Kanjar Ro and Despero to turn the Starro invasion into a ‘windfall for all of them.’

On the plus side characters that have sat on the space ship for endless issues actually get to do stuff – Bounder turns into a ball, Ciji does some Durlan shape changing stuff. On the minus – it still feels like we’re getting nowhere. I’m so fed up with this storyline I want it to end ASAP.

What happened to the original premise (as of issue 2) that Dox needs to build his own 21st century version of the 31st’s Legion? That entertaining set-up seems to have been flung out of the airlock after Wildstar (Dawnstar and Wildfire analogy, obv) and Bounder (Bouncing Boy and Blok) signed up.

Sigh. Still, nice to see the Omega Men again.

Adventure Comics 6: So That's It?!

Writer: Geoff Johns
Penciller: Francis Manapul

When I finished reading this issue I thought ‘that was nice.’ It’s only on reflection upon writing this review I realise I’ve spent £18 on a story that could have been plotted out on the back of a stamp.

The premise seems to have been thus: Superboy comes back from the dead, is confused, then wonders if Lex Luthor is really ‘that bad.’ Guess what?! He is!!

The means by which Luthor utterly nails his evil credentials to the mast is quite effective (and thankfully played out all in this one issue, or it’d have had no impact at all.) However, the problem is how did Connor think Lex was anything other than a complete rotter? And how has this plot – which could have been resolved in two issues at most – been dragged out over a whopping SIX?!

Did we need an entire issue of Connor having a picnic with Wonder Girl? Clearly not. Or palling around with Robin in a sewer? Nope. And how / why is Brainiac involved in what is really a domestic tiff?

The good bits have been seeing Krypto fight crime. Manapul has almost redeemed himself for the crap work he did on the Legion with his dignified pooch of steel. The bad bits have been the typically overblown Johns dialogue, the usual flogging-as-many-issues-as-possible-out-of-a-flimsy-premise formula and, as normal, ending a story with a not-very intriguing ‘mystery’ to lead us into another pointless multi-part saga. This one is ‘what’s Luthor’s next crazy genetic experiment?’

Hmmm. I don’t think I care! Gah!

Halo: A Beginner's Guide!

Here's a handy guide to Halo's powers, as provided by Mike W. Barr and John Byrne in The Outsiders 11 (Sep 1986). Click on the pics to see them in a larger size, as if you need telling.

If Peter Tomasi had seen this maybe he'd have given Halo something to do during his recent (rubbish) attempt at writing The Outsiders? Maybe not though. Halo's been a bit of an embarrassment to DC for some time. She was written out of any Outsiders 'flashback' scenes for ages, and since she unceremoniously got the boot from the series last issue (with no explanation) I'm guessing that's the end of her "renaissance." Still, at least she's not dead. Don't kill her DC!

Maybe her powers are considered a bit too goofy for modern comics readers? She's certainly got enough of them.

Are there any other characters who have had their powers monkeyed around with since their heyday? Has Ms Marvel used her 'sixth sense' powers for instance since 1982? Share your examples here!

X-Men Origins Wolverine: What A Load of Shite

Well that's two hours I'm not getting back.

I'm probably one of the last comic reading adults on Earth to watch this film but just in case you haven't subjected yourself to it - don't bother. Some thoughts!

1) Hugh Jackman's easy on the eye but when's he going to be in something that isn't rubbish?

2) What's the point of the Blob boxing match?

3) What was that 'Ma and Pa Kent' stuff about?

4) Why doesn't Dominic Monaghan ever attempt a none-Mancunian accent?

5) Gambit was shit wasn't he? And what a crap accent!

6) The ending was crap too.

Hooray! Happy New Year!

Mon-El’s Exciting New Look: Or Ma Kent’s Journey Into Madness

I know I’m a bit late posting this, I was distracted by Sensor Girl’s reinvention as Baron Zemo’s back-up dancer (description nicked from a DC messageboard poster). However, this costume calamity can’t go uncommemorated either.

What the effing hell is going on here? Did penciller Javier Pina come up with this all by himself? Does DC have an extremely ‘hands off’ editorial policy these days? How are these costumes ending up on the page?

That small “S” conjours up images of Supergirl’s spiffy 70s look. Unfortunately, it’s all wrong on a male character. Surely anyone familiar with Kara’s hotpants ensemble takes one look at this costume and sees Mon-El slashed to the navel?

It just looks plain weird.

Luckily we have an in-story explanation for this calamity. Take it away Ma Kent…

So this is supposed to be his ‘own look’ but is basically a Superman costume gone massively wrong. Where’s Tim Gunn where you need him? I’m no Nina Garcia from Elle magazine but I don’t need her to tell me this design raises questions about Ma Kent’s ‘taste level.’

Here’s another daffy attempt to make Supergirl’s 70s look work on a male character. It’s actually slightly more successful than this Mon-El get-up. Although the hotpants are a bit of a worry.

Anyway, here are some fan-designed attempts to re-invent Mon-El’s costume. He’s had no luck in the costume world has he? Remember that Archie Legion mess? Yikes.

Outsiders 25: End of an Error

Writer: Peter J Tomasi
Pencillers: Fernando Pasarin and Derec Donovan

Under Peter J Tomasi the Outsiders has become a shining example of how not to write to superhero team book – but at least it’s chock full of unintended laffs each month! Pete sure hasn’t let us down this ish, the grand finale of his reign (of terror) on the title.

Zombie Terra causes mayhem at Outsiders HQ (we still haven’t been told where or what this HQ is though) Katana’s dead zombie family fight her, Halo, Creeper and Killer Croc ‘on the road’ somewhere. Then it’s a change of artist (the quite competent Fernando Pasarin is replaced by the slapdash Derec Donovan) for the final showdown between Terra and Geo Force, Black Lightning and Metamorpho.

Pete cranks up the comedy here. Look! Our old pal the Ear-A-Rang makes a welcome come back! Wow! It was worth dressing a minor supporting character up as Nite Owl from Watchmen after all if it leads to chuckles like this.

Honestly. An Owl Ear-A-Rang?

Geo Force has enough of Terra and turns her to stone. Er, what?! Since when could Geo Force turn things to stone? Apparently he had a power upgrade in JLA that I didn’t read but so far, this series, he’s never turned anything to stone. Why start now? This whole set-up is ridiculous. Terra is a right wrong ‘un and everyone in the DCU knows it. She’s hardly likely to have changed her ways when coming back as AN EVIL EFFING ZOMBIE is she?! It’s another example of Pete’s absolute inability to write Geo Force (or any of the characters) convincingly.


And look! It’s such exhausting work beating up his evil zombie sister Geo Force has taken off his belt to relax. I know whinging about the disappearing belt is nitpicky but isn’t someone supposed to pay attention to these things?

Then suddenly Halo disappears, thus, with no explanation:



Metamorpho ‘vows’ to find out where she’s gone but the whole sorry saga concludes on this note. Just look at it!!! (Click on it to see it’s full majesty)

More overblown rubbish from Geo Force who has been saddled with some of the worst dialogue I have ever read in comic books. Check out these examples for more.

“The Outsiders are broken and without purpose.” Hmmm, well you could always go looking for your missing team mate! And since they’ve spent this whole series running errands for Alfred the Butler (the ignominy!) and Nightwing-as-Batman they haven’t had much ‘purpose’ to begin with.

“So much of what we’ve done has gone unnoticed.” Hmm, not by me! Look at my other posts! Is Pete moaning about the sales of this title? I can’t blame people for not reading this book, it’s been a load of crap. I only bought it as I (wrongly) thought it might feature Halo doing stuff for the first time in 10 years.

“With the help of my allies this can be the dawn of a new and greater Markovia. And heaven help those that stand in out way.” WHAT?!?!? Since when have the Outsiders been a state-sanctioned terrorist group? Previously Markovia was an ‘exotic backdrop’ from whence the Outsiders had adventures, Pete seems to be saying they’re about to become terrorists working for Markovia. That’s not very superheroic! And yet again another ‘mission statement’ for a failed team book that has had three reboots (fourth looming) in a mere 25 issues!

Phew. Before we bid this nonsense farewell let’s reflect on the laughs Pete has given us over the past year:

1) Consistently billing himself as ‘story and words’ rather than just plain ‘writer’. Which has never failed to irritate me.
2) Alfred the Butler versus Deathstroke the Terminator. HAHAHAHA!!!
3) Owlman’s ear-a-rang
4) The appalling dialogue that’s been put in Geo Force’s mouth
5) The total and complete lack of interaction which is essential for any super team book. These characters have barely spoken to each other during this entire run.

Maybe I’ve been a bit harsh but honestly this whole ‘retro-Outsiders’ run has been a massive failure since its inception. Maybe the Outsiders are cursed! Let’s see what Dan Didio does with it.

But what’s Halo’s ‘final fate’? Is she in Blackest Night? Dead? It’s pretty clear no one at DC wants to write her.

Anyway, let’s end things on a happier note. Remember what Terra was wearing when she made her senses-shattering debut? Behold! They don’t make horns like that any more. Really, George Perez is a living legend but he’s sure had his moments when it comes to wacky costumery…

Christmas Crisis At Wayne Manor!

I’ve got a pile of new comics to scan in and review but can’t be bothered because with the exception of Power Girl most new comics I’m buying these days are boring crap!

Instead, let us turn the clock back to 1982 when DC employed writers who knew how to tell a tale in 18 pages – not 18 months.

Yes! My old favourite Mike W Barr wrote Brave and the Bold 184, starring Batman and Huntress, with art by hugely talented legend Jim Aparo.

Our tale starts thus with Batman using Bruce Wayne’s millions to buy toys for an orphanage. Aw. See! One page of nifty character work! If this scene was repeated today in Morrison’s Batman And Robin we’d probably see a transsexual villain tear gassing the orphanage, booting granny in the bushbaby and shouting “Merry motherf*cking Christmas! I’m going to eat your flesh – starting with the anus!” And it would take up 28 pages. You know I’m right.


Anyway, in a nutshell, someone tries to blackmail Bruce Wayne with forged documents saying his dad was a money-laundering rotter. Sound familiar? Morrison used a similar ‘Was Mr Wayne A Dirty Perv?’ plot in the recent, shite, Batman RIP ‘saga’. You know, the one with a year’s worth of build-up and no proper resolution.

Poor old Bats gets a bit down in the dumps but, with the help of my favourite DC heroine Huntress (the proper Earth 2 one, not the post-Crisis psycho schoolteacher) proves it’s all been a terrible scam. Hooray!

The best parts of this issue are the scenes between Batman and Huntress. Barr does some really neat work with their relationship, the recently deceased Earth 2 Batman is Huntress’s father, so there are some nice scenes with Huntress fretting about her Earth 1 ‘uncle Bruce,’ with Bats passing along some handy crime fighting tips to his ‘alternate reality’ daughter.


All this and a Christmas card, sort of, from DC staff. And what could be more Christmassy than swearing a graveside ‘war on all criminals’? It’s what any dead parent would want surely.

Christmas! Supergirl Has A Festive Chat With Deadman

Here are Green Lantern and the Flash wearing Santa hats as featured in Christmas With The Super Heroes 2 from 1989. Hooray! That’s what you want from a DC Christmas Special, not a one page Angel and the Ape story.

The best story in this collection featured Deadman and a character who is obviously supposed to be Supergirl. The story was written by Alan Brennert who is an absolute genius. He’s the brains behind Brave and the Bold 182, the team-up between Batman and the Earth 2 Robin and Batwoman which is one of the best written superhero comics EVAH.

Anyway, this is a nice enough little tale, featuring Deadman sulking and Kara popping up and delivering a little speech about heroism. Innocuous enough you may think – but NO! This was back in 1989, DC had killed Supergirl off four years previously and any mention of her was verboten! Rumour had it that Alan Brennert and editor Mark Waid were given the boot from DC because of this seasonal tale. How rude! That’s office politics for you though.




EDIT: Look who has left a comment! Alan Brennert himself! It turns out I've got my facts all wrong, as usual. Here is what really happened:

Speaking for myself, I was not "given the boot" from DC for the simple reason I was a freelancer and there was no job to boot me from! Nor was there any resistance to my doing further work for DC, since not long after this I wrote BATMAN: HOLY TERROR. It IS true that many working on the Superman books at the time objected to the story (this despite the fact that it had been okayed prior to publication by the Superman editors, at least so I was told) and as I heard it someone even went to Dick Giordano with the suggestion that a follow-up story reveal that the "Kara" in my story was actually Power Girl, whose astral form had met Deadman while she was in a coma in some other book. Seriously. Dick wisely said, "Guys, it's just a nice little Christmas story," and that was that: he WAS the boss. I should also note that the point of the story -- that the spirits of the DC heroes wiped out in the Crisis still existed somewhere -- was picked up on by later writers such as Peter David (in his SUPERGIRL-Matrix series) and is now part of DC canon. End of story! Nice to know it's still remembered fondly though.